this charming man

I’ve got a lot of issues when it comes to relationships. I get scared and clostrophobic. I’m so leary of trying to give a fuck about any one person because of the first kid I fell in love with. Not because of what he did to me, because he did nothing, but what I did to him. And because of Derek, I’m scared that I’m always getting lied to or getting played somehow. I’ve abandonment and trust issues that I know I’m not over yet. I wouldn’t want you or anyone to deal with that.

I guess I just felt a need to explain this to you for good. I believe that you deserve to know this.

I think you also deserve to know that I would come back to you if I knew I wouldn’t do the same thing to you that I do to all the guys I date. If I knew that I wouldn’t push you away, find some way to fuck everything up, or have you put up with me being a complete mess. It’s what I do best. And even then, that would be entirely based on whether you would give me another chance. I just don’t want to hurt you again. : /

And with that being said, I think I’ve elaborated enough.
I don’t know if reading this meant anything to you, but I just needed to get all of that out and let

slow down

I’ll be waiting with the phone by my beside in case you decide you want to change your mind. I am not the enemy. Apparently, I am nothing less than what you wanted. You’ll keep throwing it away. I’m begging you to reuse me. Please, replay me like a broken record. Take me through the motions and beat me time after time at my own game. I’ll never be damaged enough. Make this a vicious cycle, a part of my history that keeps repeating. Show me how it feels to be the living dead with my heart still beating. I bet it makes no sense to you why I’d be this way. Well, a four letter word meant so much to you until yesterday. No matter what you think, I’m never as serious as I seem. I’m just a vulnerable piece of shit who thought maybe this could mean something. I know I’m right or else you wouldn’t be a wreck. You actions speak so much louder than that noose of guilt above your head. This isn’t your decision. I know better than that. I can only place the blame on someone else’s ignorance….I’ll keep waiting. I’ll keep my hopes up. If you send me crashing to the ground again, it will still never be enough. Or maybe it’s me who’s never enough and keeps trying to believe…that there’s something someone else would want that still lives inside of me…..

[I know this isn't the end.]

chapter

The satisfaction of this chapter is that you get to play
The important gunslinger with no decency
Pushing bullet after meaningless word into my chest
A crime you’ll commit and get away with
Because tearing me apart never leads to an arrest
The scars and bruises from our time carelessly spent
Will never be added to the evidence
But I’ll forgive you, I’ll try to forget you
Just tell me that it’s everything you want
Make this permanent

face

Pretend the girl in your head isn’t broken
By the same hand she had come to hold
Your hands, your demeanor
Everything has changed and you’ve grown cold
But I’m still the same, same feelings
Same thoughts run through my head
It seems to me that nothing ever changes
Same situations, just different names and faces
The same words get rearranged on these pages
And nobody wants to handle damaged goods anymore

Have I found my expiration date yet?
These days and nights run together
My thought patterns become more consistant
Than every failure that has been rubbed in my face
And every actor in this life just gets better lines
More believable and heartbreaking than the last
Until I will be unrepairable, and not useable
That’s exactly what this audience wants
An elegant meantal breakdown carried out with your grace
And tear-stained cheeks that paint your picture on my face

it’s you

I am fine. Everything pretty much made me have a breakdown. Not just the break up, but work and home all put together. I’ve realized how unbearable I have been and I apologize to everyone for having to deal with me and my emotional nonsense.

I’m glad to say that I’m alright. I’m not wishing to overdose on sleeping pills and go into a coma or anything. I still wish that things would be going my way, but I’ve decided to let everything go and just work out on it’s own. I’ve never tried to fight for anyone else before, so I really don’t see the purpose in it now. Apparently, some people don’t see what they have until it’s gone. And well, I’m gone. At least for a while until everything blows over and gets back to normal.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. And baby, you aren’t the only one who hates change. Just to be honest with you.

But thanks to everyone who has seemed to give a fuck about me lately. I appreciate the hell out of it. I’m making sure now, that I have returned to my ‘I don’t state, that you won’t have to deal with it again.

…just know, it’s all for you.

lay there

A new improved version of me! Oh but im nothing just bones….a lonely ghost burning down songs! So heres the answers to all youre questions. Love never wanted you and you never wanted it! I fliped my world upside down for you and i dont do that for anyone. I offered you forever, i offered you nothing…and in the end you chose neither. Im mind-set and know what i want as for you im not so sure you will ever know…..but what i do know is that instead of blaming everyone else look in the mirror sometimes the problem starts there. You wanted one true friend…..will you had it.

two days

Two days after that night, he left me. He went right back to his fiance. To be honest, I don’t even know if he left her. I didn’t come to find out how much of a liar this kid really was until he had his third and final chance with me.

I honestly believed that you should have held some sort of grudge toward me. I’m always hard on myself when it comes to other people. I can’t be selfish, and for the very few instances that I am, I’m extremely hard on myself. I felt like shit for what I did to you, but I knew coming back to you then would have been a mistake because I still didn’t have my closure. I still believed that he’d come back.

And he did.

In December, I drove to Ashland to pick him up. We spent two nights together in Beckley. We talked about getting back together and we finally had a talk face to face about why he left me. At this point and time, he had been away from his fiance by a few months and I figured that maybe this would be the time he came back to stay.

I spent a week and a half in ‘talking’ status with Derek. We were not back together, but like clockwork, he left me once again. He just happened to make the mistake of not having the balls to tell me himself that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. His ex fiance happened to message me the same day and knew nothing about what had went on between Derek and I. He told her we never dated, we were just friends, I had a boyfriend, and she had nothing to worry about. She told me everything he had told her. I happily filled her in on everything. And she sided with me. To top things off, he knew I didn’t tell her on purpose because I figured he had her message me on purpose. And she left him, as well.

I spent fourty minutes of Christmas Eve night chewing Derek out on the phone. I told him that he never stood another chance with me, whether he wanted one or not. And that he had the option of being friends with me or nothing at all.

His decision was to be friends.
I put my foot down and finally decided to stand up for myself.
I have my closure.

I’d just really like to say the following to you:
I have so much respect for you as a person. I think of you in the highest regards, and I apologize for all of the confusion I caused you. I never ever ever meant to hurt you or upset you in any way. I’m sorry that you had to be in the middle of me being a complete mess. I want you to know that it was never anything that you did or had to do that caused me to break things off. I am just a confused twenty year old girl that honestly is scared to death of trying to be involved with anything I know will work.

I believe you and I would have worked.

the runway

He came back to me a month into you and I ‘talking’. He got protective and jealous once I told him I was talking to someone. And then he gave you his blessing and proceeded to get more drunk on the phone with me. That night, he broke down and told me a bullshit excuse for why he left me. I didn’t know it was fashion until after the fact. But he kept calling me every night. He begged me for a second chance and even cried like a little girl on the phone while doing so. I thought he was being sincere this time. He convinced me to break things off with you, as he was leaving his fiance for me. I did exactly what he asked.

I came to your party that night to talk. And I dreaded coming up there the entire time. I really did, and still do, care about you. I knew I was going to hurt you. But I knew from the start that something fucked up would happen and I’d prove myself right when I told you that you shouldn’t get involved with me. I warned you that I was a bitch and I didn’t think that you and I was going to be a good thing. I liked you a lot. And I guess because of that I thought it was a good idea for us to try anyway because I knew you were such an amazing kid and I knew you’d be good to me. Yet, the fucking piece of shit bastard sweet talked his way back into my head and I was trying to do right by myself. I thought I was going back to the kid I belonged with.

outside my window

…I guess just consider this as me thinking out loud. But for a selective few as an audience. This is directed to one boy and one boy only. He knows who he is…

But when we were talking this past summer, and everything seemed to be going well… and I broke everything off because someone from my past came back to me. Well, just let me explain this.

Derek and I had dated for a little under a month around my 19th birthday. And I thought he was this amazing person who was fucking perfect for me. He left me without any reasoning what-so-ever. To this day, I’ve still heard about ten different reasons why he abandoned me. I always thought for some unknown reason that since everything was so good between this fuckhead and myself, that he would one day come back to me and we’d work everything out. As stupid as I was then, and even up until the month of December of this past year, I still had hopes that maybe I had figured him out. And that maybe he was coming back to me for good. I was holding on to him because I didn’t have closure.

When we stood outside, by my car, that night at your party… I tried to explain why you didn’t want to get involved with me. That boy was exactly my reason, but in so many more words. I tried to keep myself from being involved with anyone because I believed that he was the one for me and I was going to end up with him somehow.

pretend

Pretend the girl in your head isn’t broken
By the same hand she had come to hold
Your hands, your demeanor
Everything has changed and you’ve grown cold
But I’m still the same, same feelings
Same thoughts run through my head
It seems to me that nothing ever changes
Same situations, just different names and faces
The same words get rearranged on these pages
And nobody wants to handle damaged goods anymore

Have I found my expiration date yet?
These days and nights run together
My thought patterns become more consistant
Than every failure that has been rubbed in my face
And every actor in this life just gets better lines
More believable and heartbreaking than the last
Until I will be unrepairable, and not useable
That’s exactly what this audience wants
An elegant meantal breakdown carried out with your grace
And tear-stained cheeks that paint your picture on my face

The satisfaction of this chapter is that you get to play
The important gunslinger with no decency
Pushing bullet after meaningless word into my chest
A crime you’ll commit and get away with
Because tearing me apart never leads to an arrest
The scars and bruises from our time carelessly spent
Will never be added to the evidence
But I’ll forgive you, I’ll try to forget you
Just tell me that it’s everything you want
Make this permanent